A great depiction of this scenario is seen in the 2008 film Rachel Getting Married. In the film, younger sister Kym is leaving a lengthy series of drug rehabs to visit with her family on the occasion of her sister Rachel’s marriage. Kym is a complex and often frustrating character, but her experience in the film is emblematic of many who leave treatment and visit back home. Her family lovingly embraces her return, but there is an element of hushing out the history and circumstances that brought her to and now back from rehab. While you see that her family is supportive and caring, almost to a fault sometimes, there’s a sense that no one entirely understands Kym or the voyage that she’s been on through her work in healing. Her father smothers her with attention and food, her stepmother is careful with but fond of Kym, her sister is close to her but distant in trying to move on with her life and her mother is as cold as an ice pick. All the while Kym, armed with the often thankless and uncomfortable work of healing from years of drug abuse and the accidents and pain it has caused, tries to insert herself back into the family dynamic.

It is common for those visiting or reuniting with their family after going through the reflective work of drug treatment to return home to an uncomfortable dynamic. Often, families do not understand the extent to which an individual engaged in recovery must change their attitude towards life and their family. This can lead to uncovering some of the unhealthy and harmful habits not only in oneself but in family members.  For someone in treatment though, the focus has to remain on themselves, and it is important to curb the impulse to diagnose or “fix” family members who don’t understand the road to wellness those in recovery travel down.

In a memorable scene, Kym gives a toast (with seltzer of course!) at the wedding reception. She turns the speech into a longwinded and somewhat embarrassing attempt to make amends with her sister, her family at large, and all the friends and loved ones gathered for the occasion. “I am Shiva the destroyer, your harbinger of doom this evening,” she says, in the self-deprecating tone of the family’s black sheep. She then rambles on about all that she’s done wrong to those present and how she’s attempting to make amends. The room is filled with silence and a bit of shock at Kym’s display. Part of this, I think, is because she is so direct and honest, addressing the elephant in the room that no one else is talking about: the wayward and reckless sister who’s out of rehab at last. Kym’s behavior, and attempt to make public amends, is not always the most tactful or considerate, but it is brave. The work of recovery in itself is brave, and this is something that families must bear in mind when dealing with someone going through or just leaving treatment.

The toast scene also pinpoints some of the contradictions of recovery work that are also at the core of being human. In order to heal and change, self-reflection and even a measure of mindful selfishness are required. To be honest and reflective with oneself requires time and energy focused inward. At the same time, it is necessary to take this individual work that is done and begin to exercise it in an external way to the world. Part of this process is making amends with those who have been hurt or affected by your actions. As Kym’s story illustrates, this is not an easy process: it is sometimes messy and it is completely individual.

At the end of the film, Kym returns to rehab. She’s been to several (in fact, Milestones gets two cameo mentions!) throughout her years of sobriety and recovery, but her visit with her family tests the limits of how “ready” she really is for the outside world. This is an honest admission of how treatment is different for every individual, and the path to recovery is never the same for any one person. Some people need the environment of a treatment facility for a longer time. Kym’s decision to return to rehab is a beautiful circle and loop back to the work that she’s been invested in. She knows it is not over, that her recovery is a lifelong process and she needs to take care of herself first before throwing herself back into the same life and family conditions that contributed to her issues.

A family is certainly not to blame for an individual person’s actions, and part of the work of recovery is taking responsibility for yourself, your life, and the limits of your control. Kym’s family is not ready for her return any more than Kym is, and they both seem to make peace with the fact that while they can learn from each other, everyone is destined to travel their own path. We all know that family matters and influences the kind of person one becomes, but at a certain point in recovery from substance abuse it’s necessary to figure out what matters on an individual level first, and then move outward.

Rachel Getting Married is highly recommended as a tender, well-made portrait of the delicate balance between an individual healing from substance abuse, and a family healing at the same time.

2 years ago, I had all but thrown in the towel on life:  I was drunk, all day every day. I had nothing going for me: no money, no friends, no job, no family. I couldn’t see anything positive in my future: just more of the same desperation I had been experiencing for the past 6 years. I was ready to give up – on myself and on life.

But I didn’t. Instead of giving up, I fought. I fought for my sobriety and I fought for myself. I fought with everything I had and now I have a life beyond what I ever believed possible. And if I can do it, YOU can do it. If you are feeling like you are ready to give up, please don’t -things can and will get better when we turn our focus towards recovery. And if you need a little extra inspiration, check out the poem below.

Don’t Quit – Edgar A. Guest

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low but the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit…
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit!
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many failures turn about
When we might have won had we stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow…
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out…
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

You’re watching You’ve Got Dr. Nora Volkow. See the Web’s top videos on AOL Video

That addiction is “all about the dopamine” is essential to understanding how addiction works. Dopamine controls the feelings of pleasure and the motivations to do behaviors. This explains everything from why we love chocolate, the elation that comes with exercise, and, unfortunately, the life threatening abuse of substances. By breaking down how our brains work, Volkow also humanizes addiction, making it less of a moral issue than a chronic disease that needs to be treated, like diabetes or hypertension.

Even though she holds to the disease model, Volkow also encourages the situational understanding of how addiction works. “Predisposition is not predetermination,” says Volkow. “Environment and other biological factors, including family, culture and community, are of great importance to the development of addiction and are essential to its prevention.” The care given to the disease model of addiction, but also its situational nature, is one of the ways that Milestones is distinct in drug treatment. The treatment at Milestones is comprehensive and multifaceted, focusing on both the individual’s physical dependence, but also their holistic needs through exercise, wholesome food, alternative therapies, and participation in activities such as Sober Fun.

Like at Milestones, Volkow’s revolutionary approach to the study of addiction is human at its core. With more scientists like Nora Volkow investigating the inner workings of addiction, and thus helping those suffering, the future looks bright for the rehabilitation model in addiction treatment.. Her energy and enthusiasm for her work is an inspiration to us all. “It’s not religious; it’s just a sense of humanity, a sense of being part of humankind,” she says. “You are alive, you have a certain talent, and you have a responsibility to use it to help others.”

Read more about Dr. Volkow and her team’s work on addiction.

IT’S ABOUT PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION

Hi, my name is Deanna, and I’m a perfectionist. From the time I was very young, I always had to be the best at everything. And then, when I inevitably didn’t live up to my own unrealistic expectations, I would beat myself up. This year, I learned that I don’t have to be perfect at everything. In fact, it’s impossible to be perfect at everything. I’m going to fail. Often. AND THAT’S OK. All I can do is my best, and I’ve had to learn that my best is enough.

IT’S NOT THE QUANTITY, IT’S THE QUALITY

I have also always had a pretty desperate desire to be liked. By everyone. It goes hand in hand with the stereotypical black and white thinking that comes with the disease of alcoholism. This year, I finally realized that the point isn’t having EVERYONE like you – it’s about having quality people in your life who truly care about you. And I am blessed and fortunate to have a handful of people in my life who love and support me in everything I do. I don’t focus on the people who don’t like me anymore – I focus on the ones who do. Because they’re priceless.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF ANYONE ELSE

This was probably the hardest lesson for me to learn. I have spent the majority of my life giving to others and completely neglected (and at times abused) myself. This year, I focused on taking care of ME. I learned about the things that I want, need and enjoy. I learned how to say “no” (still not the easiest thing for me, but I’m getting there!) and how to put myself first. And learning how to take care of myself has made me better at taking care of others (funny how that works) – I’m a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter.

SOBRIETY COMES FIRST

If I make my sobriety my top priority, everything else has a way of falling into place.

Those are only a few things that I’ve learned this year. I could go on for days about the ways my self and my life have changed, but I’ll save you the time and just say that as a direct result of my sobriety, this past year has been the best of my life. And I’m confident the upcoming year will be even better.

William Cope Moyers had an unusual upbringing – as a child, his father was a renowned journalist and the White House Press Secretary for President Lyndon B. Johnson. While his parents loved him deeply and awarded him every opportunity in life, Cope grew up feeling overshadowed by his father’s accomplishments and insignificant in comparison. Uncomfortable in his own skin, he began experimenting with drugs and alcohol in college. It is during a break from college that Moyers experiences the first real consequence from his addiction – after a night of binge drinking, he breaks into a local fish market and steals some spare change off the counter. He is apprehended soon after and arrested for breaking and entering. Because of his father’s notoriety, the story became national news, and Moyers was overcome with shame. This, however, does not stop his spiral into addiction – as he got older and entered the field of journalism (a field where he would constantly be compared to his father and find himself lacking), Moyers began using cocaine on a daily basis. But it was when he began smoking crack that he became unable to hide his addiction any longer. His first marriage fell to pieces as he became more and more invested in his drug use, disappearing for days at a time, not showing up to work and ruining his finances. It would take 4 trips to treatment, the near loss of his second wife and 2 young children and countless demoralizing acts before Moyers was finally able to achieve long lasting sobriety. Today, he acts as the Executive Director of Hazelden’s Center for Public Advocacy and has over 15 years clean and sober.

“Broken” is a gut wrenching account of one man’s descent into addiction despite having all of the opportunities a person could ask for. Moyers speaks with honesty and humility, bravely disclosing his feelings of inadequacy and the desperation of his drug use.

Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, “The Four Agreements” is about how our belief systems control our reality – from the time we are born, we are rewarded and punished for certain behaviors. What we are rewarded or punished for is dependent on the belief system of those around us – our parents, our families, our towns, our countries, our world. We learn to fear the punishment and crave the reward. Eventually and without much choice in the matter, the belief system of those around us becomes OUR belief system and is permanently ingrained in our being. We become slaves to the beliefs of others, and when we inevitably do something that goes against those beliefs, we feel shame, fear and guilt. Our Inner Critic and Judge tell us that we are unworthy, that we are lacking, that there is something wrong with us.

“The Four Agreements” challenges us to change these patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors by following four agreements (an agreement, according to Ruiz, being “an internal decision to abide by something, done consciously or unconsciously”). By abiding by these agreements, Ruiz promises a life of freedom and peace.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

“Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.” –Don Miguel Ruiz

There’s an old saying that says “You are only as good as your word”. And Ruiz agrees. Ruiz believes that our words are our most powerful tool; he even goes so far to call them magic. And you can use your magic for good… or for evil. Never speak badly to yourself or to others. Be honest. Use your word to spread love and you will reap the rewards.

DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

This agreement is huge – it says that the reason that people act the way they do has absolutely nothing to do with you – it has to do with themselves and where they are at in their lives. For instance, if someone says you are ugly, it isn’t because you are ugly, it is because you fit a certain idea of what THEY think ugly is based on their personal life experiences. Same thing goes for someone telling you you’re beautiful. Therefore, nothing that anyone else says should have an effect on you or how you feel, because it really has nothing to do with you.

DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

“Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely change your life.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

People make assumptions all the time, and often these assumptions end up causing pain. We assume things about others, and then when they end up not being true, we feel remorseful. We assume that others know what we want or need, and when they don’t live up to our expectations, we feel resentful. By not making any assumptions, we can live with a profound clarity.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

“Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

This agreement is the cornerstone to all the others – if we are always doing our best, we will never have regret. Our best is all we can do. And our best is constantly changing, so as long as we are TRYING, we are living the way that we should.

Adopting these agreements has seriously turned my life upside down – and I mean that in the best possible way. I spent so much time punishing myself for not being the person I thought I was  “supposed” to be; I didn’t feel like I was living up to what I believed I should be. But this book helped to show me that I don’t have to live up to any sort of impossible standard; I just need to live well and do what I can every day.

It’s hard to believe, but the holiday season is officially upon us. While it seems like only yesterday that we were outside enjoying the summer sunshine (and here in Southern California, it really WAS only yesterday), the temperatures are beginning to drop, people are beginning to plan their holiday festivities and radio stations are starting to play holiday music 24 hours a day (I’m still not used to ”winter” here on the West Coast - it’s strange to be driving along the Pacific Coast Highway and hearing “Let it Snow” coming out of my speakers).

While the holidays are supposed to be a happy time and cause for celebration, it can also be a dangerous time for people in recovery.Let’s be honest – the holidays can be stressful. There’s the cooking and shopping for gifts. There is the stress of hosting people at your home or traveling to see friends and family. There’s increased time around family and the chance that old resolved issues and patterns will come up. There’s a thousand holiday parties to get through where people may be drinking more than normal. All that stress can take its toll on someone’s sobriety and relapse can happen. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to keep your stress levels down and your sobriety in tact this holiday season. 

STAY CONNECTED TO YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK

The holiday season is notoriously busy – when there are a million things to get done in a day, it’s easy to lose touch with those who support your sobriety. One day without contact quickly turns into a week and then into a month, and all of a sudden you feel alone, vulnerable and tempted to fall into old behaviors. Don’t let this happen to you – it’s essential to keep people who support our recovery as close as possible. So, even when your days are hectic and stressful (actually, ESPECIALLY when your days are hectic and stressful), take a few minutes out to call someone. Just knowing that the people that you love are there for you goes a long way.

SET BOUNDARIES

This is extremely important. Speak to the people you will be sharing the holidays with and let them know what your boundaries are. Maybe you can only stay a short time because you want to go to a meeting. Maybe you are uncomfortable with people drinking around you, so you’ll need to excuse yourself to call someone in recovery when the drinks start flowing. Whatever your boundaries are, make sure they are firmly established BEFORE the holidays and then stick to them. It’s not being rude, it’s being safe.

MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF

Again, the holidays are busy, and I know that I have often packed my day so full of activities and obligations that I feel like I have no time for myself. DON’T DO THIS. Spending time doing the things that you need to do for yourself and that you like to do for yourself is essential to your well-being, especially when your stress levels are elevated. Set aside time each day to do something you enjoy. Go for a jog. Read a book. Take a bath. Meditate. This will help keep your stress in check and keep you in a cheerful holiday spirit.

If you find the holiday season overwhelming, try and put it into perspective – no matter how stressed you get, it will all be over in a few months. So enjoy the holidays, and may your season be filled with cheer!

One of my biggest goals in sobriety has been to find ways to quiet my mind and find a sense of internal calmness.  And, I am happy to report, I have a found a number of ways to achieve this. Some are pretty universal and some are unique to me. Either way, I hope they help you find some peace as well.

MEDITATION

Meditation has been practiced since the beginning of humanity by just about every civilization and religion. People meditate for a number of reasons – to get closer to God, to achieve salvation, redemption, or awareness, to find their inner divinity and, yes, to quiet their minds.

I think a lot of people are intimidated by meditation – I know that I was. It is an extremely sacred spiritual practice and I was afraid I was going to mess it up. But what I learned is that there is no right or wrong way to meditate. Sometimes I meditate with a mantra. Sometimes I listen to classical music. Sometimes I simply focus on my breath. How I get there doesn’t matter. The fact is that when I set the intention of being still and being in the moment, and actually follow through with that intention, my head quiets down. My thoughts quiet down. I find the sense of calm that often alludes me, if only for a moment. But, let me tell you, that moment is bliss.

KNITTING/BRAIDING/CHOPPING/FOLDING, etc.

Maybe this is just me, but I find that any activity in which I am doing the same thing, over and over, puts me in a near-meditative state. The repetitive nature is extremely calming to me. My personal favorite is chopping vegetables for cooking. Plus, after I’m done, I get to eat what I cook, which is always great.

WRITING

Writing is an incredible outlet for me. Not only does it satisfy my need to be creative, it also helps me to process things. This is especially helpful when my thoughts get out of control and start to enter the self-abusive, self-destructive and/or completely non-sensical realm. When I find these thoughts trapped in my head, I find that writing them down and then writing out why they are self-abusive, self-destructive and/or completely non-sensical, gives me the ability to purge them from my mind. Then, when they try to sneak their way back in, all I have to do is read what I wrote and I am reminded of why I got rid of them in the first place. PRESTO – quieter mind.

EXERCISE

There is so much to be said about the benefits of exercise – it’s good for your heart, it’s good for your muscles, it’s good for your brain. And when I work out, I work out HARD. And there may be no time during the day that my mind is quieter than post workout – after an hour of running and jumping and squatting and pushups, my brain is literally too tired to think.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea – in no way have I transcended my noisy mind and entered a state of permanent inner peace. But I’m working on it. And the above tools, along with many other things, have helped me to get much better control over the chatter inside my head. It hasn’t always been easy, but it has always been worth it. There are moments when my mind is completely quiet and I am able to experience the moment I am in completely, without any distractions. Which, for me, is a beautiful thing.

1) I am boring.

2) I drink an insane amount of coffee.

3) I secretly wish all that coffee was Johnnie Walker Black.

4) I am REALLY boring.

While I will cop to the fact that I drink more coffee than is reasonable, the other three statements are completely false. The fact that people think statement #3 applies to me doesn’t bother me too much; I don’t expect everyone to understand the whole “obsession being lifted” concept. However, people automatically assuming that I am boring just because I don’t drink kind of grinds my gears. If I start talking your ear off about the subtle nuances between a Starbucks Vanilla Latte and a Starbucks SKINNY Vanilla Latte, by all means, write me off as a complete bore (and clearly cross addicted to caffeine). But thinking I’m no fun because I don’t drink? Ridiculous. The truth of the matter is, I am way more fun now that I’ve gotten sober. Here are just a few areas in which my “fun factor” has greatly increased.

DANCING

I have always loved to dance, and in particular, I have always liked to GO OUT dancing. However, back in my active addiction days, no one really liked to go out dancing with me. This is because, when drunk, I have the coordination of a blindfolded bull in a china shop. I trip, I fall, I knock into people. This type of behavior is typically frowned upon on the dance floor – believe me, NO ONE is having fun with me smacking random folks in the face, arms flailing, as I face-dive towards the floor. These coordination issues have been (pretty much) resolved now that I have stopped drinking. I still don’t have the smoothest moves (although my running man is pretty awesome), but most people find it endearing. At least that’s what I tell myself.

KARAOKE

Karaoke is synonymous with drinking – most people need liquid courage to even think about getting up on stage and belting out a tune. I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. The absence of alcohol has increased my karaoke skills tenfold. When I was drinking, a night of karaoke consisted of me stumbling around on stage, hand over one eye, trying to read the lyrics and slur out the words to “Don’t Stop Believin” at the same time. Now that I’m sober, my karaoke performances have become pretty epic – I prefer early 90’s hip hop (think “Ice Ice Baby” or “Jump Jump”), complete with choreography. Don’t judge me.

CONVERSATION

 This one is kind of important. Good conversation is essential to maintaining any sort of relationship. When I was drinking, I was about as much fun to talk to as a house plant. Probably less so. During a drunken conversation, not only would I not listen to a word you were saying, I was also likely to do one or all of the following:

• Insult you
• Throw something in your general direction
• Speak in an inappropriately loud voice
•  Start crying for no apparent reason
•  Attempt to steal your wallet, purse, car and/or boyfriend
• Dance to the music playing in my head… that only I could hear
•  Drool
•  Pass out on the bar/table/floor

 I am pleased to say that sober, I am actually quite skilled at the art of conversation. I am a fantastic listener, and I pepper my responses with interesting facts and witty banter. Plus, I no longer drool, which is (obviously) a bonus. The above are just a few specific activities that have gotten a ton more fun since I’ve entered sobriety. The truth is, I as a person have gotten tons more fun. I am funnier. I am a better friend. I am more open to new experiences. I am down to go anywhere and do (almost) anything for a good time. I will not embarrass you in public TRY not to embarrass you in public. I will not pass out halfway through the evening. So some people think the fact I don’t drink makes me boring. You know what I think? Actually, do you know what I KNOW? The fact that I don’t drink doesn’t make me boring; it makes me better.

While all these pearls of wisdom are helpful, there is one that she stresses to me over and over: “Embrace the impermanence”. She believes in these three words so strongly that she got a tattoo of them on her foot. And I figure if she believes in this enough to get it permanently inked on her body, it’s definitely something I should take the time to explore a little deeper.

Impermanence is one of the three essential doctrines of Buddhism – basically, that all of existence is in a constant state of change. If you can embrace this impermanence, let go of the attachment to people, places, things, feelings, etc. and understand that nothing can or should stay the same, you will be free of needless suffering.

Embracing the impermanence is about expecting and accepting the changes that come in life. We humans tend to attach ourselves to things, and then when they change, we suffer. For example – remember the first time you got your heart broken? I sure as heck do. It was the most devastating thing to happen to me in my 19 years of life up to that point. I was incredibly attached to my first boyfriend (one might even say a smidge codependent) and when it was over, I felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. I was DEFINITELY suffering. I truly and wholeheartedly believed that I would spend the rest of my life in my dorm room, crying in the fetal position and listening to Dashboard Confessional (It was 2003. Cut me a little slack).

But guess what? I didn’t. I was sad for a (relatively) long time, but eventually I got out of bed, turned off the emo guitar ballads and got back to my life. In the almost 8 years since that first emotional shock to my system, I have fallen in love and fallen out of love. I have experienced feelings of joy more profound than I thought possible and experienced sadness and pain equally as strong. I have picked up and moved clear across the country – twice. Friends and family have come and gone. Babies have been born and people have died. I hit the lowest point of my alcoholism and picked myself back up and started the journey to recovery. There really isn’t much about my life today that resembles my life 8 years ago – everything has changed.

But let me tell you – I went through a lot of pain and suffering in the midst of all those changes. And, in retrospect, much of the pain I went through had to do with attachment – I became attached to relationships of all sorts and when they ended, I suffered. I attached to places and suffered when I had to leave. I became attached to ideas of who I was and when my life inevitably changed and challenged those ideas about myself, I felt lost. I even became attached to my alcoholism, as miserable as that experience was. Instead of embracing change, I have clung to what is familiar and “safe” and suffered as I had to let those things go.

Here’s what I think the main point of embracing the impermanence is: all those things were going to change whether I suffered or not. My whining, kicking and screaming as these changes were occurring did NOTHING to stop them. All that suffering was pretty useless and a waste of energy that could have been used elsewhere. Granted, it is definitely contrary action to not attach to things: I think it’s part of the human condition to form attachments. But maybe not letting those attachments cause you suffering is the key. It’s a choice that we can consciously make.

Believe me, I’m no expert on this. This is some pretty heavy stuff. It takes a lifetime of dedication and practice. But I have been trying to appreciate the natural ebb and flow of life more these days. Because, as they say, “nothing gold can stay”. So I am going to be open to change. I am going to try to be ok with the fact that no one and nothing in my life is forever. That all situations, good and bad, will evetually end. I am going to go ahead and embrace the impermanence.